the only muscles i have these days is kegels
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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