Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
