the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
