the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
