and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Randomize
