i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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