dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
