Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
