My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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