Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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