the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
