i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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