Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If that guy asks u bout me, I said my name is Jenelle, from CT, I'm a cat behiavor consultant and I'm 29. Back my story up
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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