I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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