Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
