take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
