just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
