The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
