Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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