Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
