his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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