and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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