1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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