I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Randomize
