i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize