I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
