Don't make out with my wife yet
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
