I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
