Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
