Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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