Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
