Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
