I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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