My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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