I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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