ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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