What a fucking waste of an outfit
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
