Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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