I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
