i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so explain again why im purple
no
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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