The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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