I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
