matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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