Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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