dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
