DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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