I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
