This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I won't apologize to a one balled man
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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