My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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