She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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