Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
