Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
