Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
