She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
