So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
