You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
