Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
