community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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