It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
